Beautifully Mad - Funny Side Up

by Beautifully Mad

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about

A retrospective of humorous songs we have performed over the years, hopefully it will be a salve for these grim times :-) Love Tony & Nina

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released December 4, 2016

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Beautifully Mad Sydney, Australia

Breathtaking original music reminiscent of the beauty of James Taylor, some honey from Melody Gardot, a lyrical spice of Cohen washed down with some Waits-like humour. A musical flame that licks at the heels of Folk and Jazz

More detail of their history at www.beautifullymad.com
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Track Name: The Day the Queen Smoked a Joint
The Day the Queen Smoked a Joint by Tony King © 2014

The Queen was bored in Windsor Castle and reflecting on her life
She was sick of being serious and all the Royal strife
She thought I’ll soon be dead & so what’s the bleeding point
The only thing she hadn’t done….. was smoke a joint

She tiptoed past the Chauffer who was snoring like a pig
and headed down to Soho in a Michael Jackson wig
She found a shop and said to the purveyor of fine bongs
“I need a little something to get me orf my scone”

He studied her quite carefully and rummaged through a drawer
He said “you look familiar, have you been in ‘ere before?
It’s hydroponic gear, best to try before you buy?”
She coughed…. a lot….. but soon began to fly

With her Ray Bans and her ipod she was bopping down the street
Head bobbing to the solo of Bohemian Rhapsody
She couldn’t shake the thought of chocolate pizza from her mind
The Corgis were uneasy and were now some yards behind

She thought she’d drive to Paris but was far too off her dial
So she busked at Covent Garden as a statue for a while
“Viva La Republic!!” she mysteriously screamed.
& told a Grenadier she loved him, for an hour…..or so it seemed…..

She kissed a duck in Hyde Park and curled up with a tramp
And giggled like a drain at her own face upon a stamp
Her stockings were laddered from the trees she found to climb
And the buzz of chasing squirrels left her feeling quite sublime

The Bentley had been clamped and she walked home without a care
The sun was coming up revealing acorns in her hair
She walked into the Palace with a Royal Rasta calm
The Guard just said politely...... “Nice morning for it M’am”

She tried to sneak to bed but caused a frightful din instead
When she dropped a can of Red Bull right on top of Phillip’s head
“My darling, I’ve discovered that I really like Bob Marley
And finally….I think…. I understand our crazy Charlie”

Phillip was awake now, taking in her new tattoo
He found the nipple ring distracting if not strange
“The Balmoral of the story is I’m sick of all the Tories
I want a different end to my nearly finished story
I want to play the Sax and I just want to relax
Get Murdoch and the Chinese and Obama off our backs
Let’s go to Soho for a change
Let’s go to Soho for a change
Let’s go to Soho for a change”
Track Name: Boris the Happy Russian
Boris the Happy Russian © Tony King 2011

Boris never fitted into town
Because In Novgorod they’d always worn a frown
For 3 hundred years
And 3 billion tears
But Boris’ mouth turned up instead of down

It was un-Russian not to be sad
And suspicious if you didn’t feel too bad
He was happy as a lad
& was followed ‘round by Vlad
To find out why he always felt so glad

He was Boris the happy Russian
Possibly resulting from concussion
Afflicted from birth
By an overdose of Mirth
He was Boris the happy Russian
RIFFS

When the KGB had frisked him for bugs
He reacted by giving them all hugs
He found Chekov hilarious
With a thrill almost vicarious
And wasn’t drunk or taking any drugs

He giggled like a drain when he lost money
Thought Groucho’s brother Karl was just as funny
He didn’t know his birthday
But was raised so they say
By the tiniest Babooshka Easter Bunny


He was Boris the happy Russian
Possibly resulting from concussion
Afflicted from birth
By an overdose of Mirth
He was Boris the happy Russian
RIFFS

They interrogated him in Gorky Park
He fell asleep as they tried to frighten him in the dark
& the Mafia had no success
Cause he poked fun at how they dress
& had no come back for his sarcastic remarks

His left leg was much shorter than his right
Which meant he walked in circles day and night
The circles got so small one day
he met himself along the way
and was too confused to put up any fight

(spoken) Sometimes Russians have to laugh….to keep warm in Winter.

Boris was a sucker for Blue Grass
& thought that all sad music was a farce
it would only make him bored & he wouldn’t know a minor chord
even if it jumped up and bit him on the arse

He was Boris the happy Russian
Possibly resulting from concussion
Afflicted from birth
By an overdose of Mirth
He was Boris the happy Russian
Slow RIFFS then Double speed RIFFS
Track Name: Sitting in Double Bay
Sitting in Double Bay
Had to sell my Ferrari today
And I'm watching my hair turning grey
Cause the stock market snuffed it today
Sitting in Double Bay
watching my Persian rugs rolling away
Sitting in Double Bay
for the last time
Sitting in Double Bay
for the last time

Well I lost my home in Point Piper
and my Lear jet was just towed away
had billions of bucks worth of stock
yeah but now you can't give it away
Sitting in Double Bay
sending the man with the cocaine away
Sitting in Double Bay
for the last time

looks like nothing's gonna change,
nothing's gonna change,
nothing's gonna change,
nothing's gonna change,
nothing...feels like i'll remain the same...

Both the kids will have to be sold
if we're going to keep our lodge at the snow
No one will give us a loan
we'll have to swap our Dobell's for Ken Done's

Sitting in Double Bay
sending the man with the cocaine away
Sitting in Double Bay
for the last time
soon I'll be sitting in Long Bay doing time.
Track Name: Cantonese Rawhide
翻滾,翻滾,翻滾 Rollin',翻滾,翻滾 ,翻滾,翻滾,翻滾,翻滾牛皮她幫你們拉皮條,羅林雖然腫了流保持他們狗狗翻滾,牛皮通過雨 '風' 天氣水戰皮革 Wishin' 我的女孩就是我身邊所有的事情我在想念好出航,愛一個 ' 親吻,等待我騎馬年底他們前進他們起來他們抬頭的頭,移動他們對他們前進,頭撲克了牛皮切他們出來,他們在騎騎
Track Name: Wheel in the Pothole of your Love
Well the life of a truckie’s not easy
And I’d just about run out of steam
When one day at a truck stop through a halo of blowies
I spotted the girl of my dreams
Well she smiled as she wiped off my dip stick
And my heart seemed to slip out of gear
Her hair was tied back with an octopus strap
And a piston ring gleamed from each ear
Well she wiped her hands clean on her stubbies
And she balanced a fag on her lip
My eyes went all steamy as I took off my beenie
And started to let these words slip

I’ve got a wheel in the pothole of your love
I’ve got a wheel in the pothole of your love
And I wish that for every truck I’d rolled
I’d rolled all over you
I’ve got a wheel in the pothole of your love

Just as my words started flowing
An air horn from one of the boys
Came thundering in
With a God awful din
And the moment was lost in the noise
We èll she tightened the ropes on my rig
And she fixed a few leaks underneath
We said our goodbyes as she threw on new tyres
And tightened the nuts with her teeth

I’ve got a wheel in the pothole of your love
I’ve got a wheel in the pothole of your love
And I wish that for every truck I’d rolled
I’d rolled all over you
I’ve got a wheel in the pothole of your love

Ten wheels each side of the yellow lines
I’m driving asleep in the rain
I dream of that girl with the octopus curl
And swallow some pills for the pain
And I pray that one day I will meet her
When I get to where the road ends
Meanwhile I hope that this load of cattle
Will lean the right way on the bends
Hell of a mess if they don’t Moooooo

I’ve got a wheel in the pothole of your love
I’ve got a wheel in the pothole of your love
And I wish that for every truck I’d rolled
I’d rolled all over you
I’ve got a wheel in the pothole of your love
Track Name: Cause I'm a Blonde
BECAUSE I’M BLONDE.. Julie Brown



Because I’m blonde I don’t have to think
I talk like a baby and I never pay for drinks
I don’t have to worry about getting a man
If I keep this blonde and I keep this tan
Cause I’m a blonde yeah yeah yeah
Cause I’m a blonde yeah yeah yeah

I see people working it just makes me giggle
Cause I don’t have to work I just have to jiggle
Cause I’m a blonde B L O N D
Cause I’m a blonde don’t you wish you were me

I never learnt to read and I never learnt to cook
Why should I bother when I look like I look
I know lots of people are smarter than me
But I have this philosophy.... So What!
i see girls without a date and I feel so sorry for ‘em
Cause whenever I’m around all the men ignore ‘em
Cause I’m a blonde Nyah Nyah Nyah

They say to ¬make it, you need talent and ambition
Well I got on a TV show and this was my audition
OK don’t tell me.. oh I remember..
“Duck Magnum.. Duck! “

Cause I’m a Blonde Yeah Yeah Yeah
I took an IQ test I flunked it of course
I can’t spell VW but I’ve got a Porsche
Cause I’m a blonde B L I N D
Cause I’m a blonde don’t you wish you were me

I’d just like to say that being chosen as this month’s Miss August ,
Is a compliment I’ll remember for as long as I can
Right now I’m a Freshman in my third year at UCLA
And my goals are to become a veterinarian because I love children
Cause I’m a blonde Yeah Yeah Yeah

Oh girls think I’m snotty, maybe it’s true
With my hair and body You would be too
Cause I’m a blonde yeah yeah yeah
Cause I’m a blonde yeah yeah yeah
Cause I’m a blonde yeah yeah yeah
Track Name: In the Mulga
Mulga Mulga Mulga
Dad why do we all talk without opening our mouths?
Cause Life is pretty dusty... in the Mulga
Dad why’s our TV ariel look like the Eiffel Tower
So your Mum can get the Soapies ...in the Mulga
And why do the kelpies always sound like they’re in pain?
You try and find a lampost ...in the Mulga
And Dad why do the camels bury their heads in the sand?
Cause Rolf Harris likes to practise... in the Mulga

Dad why is our letter box two hundred miles away?
It keeps the Mormons off our scent ..in the Mulga
Dad why do the blokes all have a beer-gut and a beard?
Nothin else ‘ll grow.. in the Mulga
And why’s the flying doctor only call why you’re away
I’ve been wondering that myself..in the Mulga
Dad who’s the bloke who drives around in the Army tank?
Oh that’ll be the Flick Man
In The Mulga.. Mulga... Mulga
Jeez it’s hot ..... Bloody flies
Cuppa Tea...... Like you r hat
Caught that snake....... It rained last year
In The Mulga.. Mulga...Mulga
Solo
If you leave your mouth open the flies will get in
And you’ve got to leave it open to let them out again
And you can’t get to sleep cause the Dingos make a Din
Or a Dinner of things left
In The Mulga... Mulga... Mulga
Dad why don’t the Leyland Brothers come out here anymore?
Cause we shoot anything that moves ...In The Mulga
Dad why do the sheep all run away when you get near?
Well never mind about that till you’re a bit older
And why do our cousins all look the same as me?
Cause families get real close ..in the mulga.
And Dad why do you run over every animal you see?
That’s how you find your way home
In The Mulga ...Mulga... Mulga
Jeez it’s hot ..... Bloody flies
Cuppa Tea..... Like your hat
Caught that snake..... Could rain next year
In The Mulga
Set a trap...... the mare’s in foal
Been to town...... Mind your head
Gotta smoke? ......could rain next year
In The Mulga.... Mulga ......Mulga
Baa Baa Baaa
Track Name: The Trump Song
The other night I heard from Randy Newman
He came to me in a Dream
With a song he wrote 'bout Donald Trump...
that was tantalizingly obscene.
He said Tony, you can say it's one of yours, cause I'm scared 'bout the libel laws, that way it's you that gets sued....& not me....
& this is how it goes...
Of all the worst of the contenders
Donald Trumps them all
Compensating with his money
For something that's obviously small

He never gets sick of the sycophants
Or all of cash that he invests
& he sleeps at night like a baby
Between 2 silicon breasts
(But here’s the thing)

Let's pull his rug right out from over him
Let's pull his rug right out from over him
There would be a precedent
We could stop him being president
If we pull his rug right out from over him

Well a black man got to the White House
Could an orange man get there as well
& money's his only religion
And the Mexicans can all go to hell

And women belong in the kitchen
But their cleavage keeps him in a trance
& the boncubines who adore him
Just Love the bulge of his wallet in his pants

Let's pull his rug right out from over him
Let's pull his rug right out from over him
There could be a precedent
We could stop him being president
If we pull his rug right out from over him

If you're a white man & you're privileged
You too can have billions in stock
& you can have your very own tower
That's a shrine to the size of your..

Let's pull his rug right out from over him
Let's pull his rug right out from over him
There could be a precedent
Hell we could stop him being president
If we pull his rug right out from over him

He’s got enough on his homophobic plate
Is that an animal on his pate
Or a mirkin as a running mate?
There'll be hell toupeé if we let him get away

Let's pull his rug right out from over him
Let's pull his rug right out from over him
Just wipe your feet as you leave